Each time you put me on the train, I'm less and less sure that you'll do it again.

What to say about this week? I think it's been an uphill battle. Not that anything really went wrong; on the contrary, life is sliding along much as it was the week before. But now, I have letters from J and L sitting on my floor, unreplied, and new music to get excited about... but no one to share it with. I miss my best friends like they're my own limbs. But they're more than that, they're my own heart. They're the people who still hang out with me and understand me when I don't want to hang out with or understand myself. And I don't understand why they do, and that's ok, because if I did, then maybe it wouldn 't be such an honour to be friends.

So I guess my week has been clouded by that. I'm already daydreaming about the possibility of J visiting - even though, if that happens, it probably won't be until December. I still don't have any friends here who like the same music as me - and that's so important, because it's so much a part of who I am and how I define myself and the way I grew up. I'd by lying if I said that people here weren't nice... it's just that they're not my people. However, a highlight of this week was swimming on Tuesday night with Mi - she led me to the pool and even let me borrow her goggles. So I have plans to return soon, and make swimming a regular occasion, because it made me so damn happy to be in the water. I felt like life was ok again.

German class this week has been difficult. We had Herr K for three days because of the sad absence of our beloved H - she really is such a lovely, caring teacher for beginners. Don't get me wrong, I think Herr K is good too, and I love how dry his humour is. But he moved through things much too quickly, leaving me terrified that I didn't know what I was doing. So class on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday was, frankly, scary. We moved onto the past tense, which I know we weren't supposed to have started. And I still feel nervous about using Dativ. Today we had a test in hearing comprehension, which included new vocab (worst idea ever in a test)... I felt bewildered after the first two listens, because O had read the text so fast that I had no chance to write enough notes to answer the two sets of questions. I think she understood my panic, though, because she asked if she should read it a third time, and this time she was much slower. I think I did ok, but honestly, it wasn't worth the stress. I ate lunch in the Mensa, which was mediocre of course, but my blood sugar was low and I was feeling shaky. I was glad to get home and sit in bed for... an entire afternoon. Again.

I have issues with motivation here. I've paid for yoga and pilates, but with my nonexistant grasp on the language, I find it terrifying to go to classes. Next week, next week... I will bite the bullet and maybe even tell instructors that I'm retarded and can't understand them, so not to pick on me or expect me to understand verbal instructions. It's pretty hard to do yoga when you're expected to have closed eyes, or to relax when you're feeling edgy about how much you don't understand, even though you know it's probably just meaningless relaxation rubbish.

This week has seen the end of another temporary arrangement I've had running. The funny thing is, I knew it was coming and I didn't even care. But now I need to find another way to pass some time, and I'm sick of this town already. Yes, Pb, I think you are too small for me, because you don't hold my friends or my heart or my favourite places to visit. You don't even hold a fucking music shop. Or anywhere cool to buy clothes. Sigh. I'm not completely happy with living arrangements, but it's cheap so I should just quit my whinging and shut the fuck up.

I think I should maybe eat something and go out tonight. Yes, that would be a good idea.